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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2014 22:42:36 GMT -5
Like I said before, I do have several reason, but for a main one its gonna be kind of stupid. And to be honest its embarrassing to me, but I will speak about it when the time comes. But I think I need to share a piece of my life right now, and I will say more stuff later. I have had severe self esteem issues through my whole life. I don't like myself because I am not a very smart person. Through my whole years in school, I had poor grades and had to get help so many times just to get to the average level. I showed some good work ethic at times, and sometimes it never showed. I am the oldest sibling my family with one sister and brother whom are both in high school right now. Both are gonna have bright futures. My sister takes a lot of honor's classes and is a good above average student who also plays sports. She is very selfish at times, but will get over it eventually. My Brother has an even greater thing going. He is one of the smartest kids in his grade and was so smart he had to be pulled out of middle school because the classes were too easy for him. He has to work on his personality, but that can be fixed. Me on the other hand, I have been average at best my whole life. I have had to earn everything I have in life, while my siblings get it handed to them on a silver platter. My dad always was hard on me because I was the oldest and he wanted me to be a good example and I haven't. He told me I will have to earn everything in life because I don't have the brains to do it. He makes a lot of money for a military company, and he did pretty good in school at the time so I can't question him. My Mom was very good at school, even though she is unemployed right now. I didn't have that many friends growing up either, and that's because I've always made a fool out of myself at times. I have gotten in fights, been suspended for making death threats, been punched in the face, bullied because I was ugly at time, and was never loved by anyone. And because of it, I have trust issues with people, so when I met people that I never met before, I didn't trust anyone ever, and they didn't understand why and some people would want to help. And once you open you heart to someone, its over before you know it. At work I do get along with pretty much everybody, so its not an issue for me overall, but I'm there to work and do nothing more and not pursue anything beyond it. I have dug myself into a deep hole over life, and now I just realize that I dug myself too deep that no matter what I do, I will never be able to become a success. Uh, I spoke too much. Story time about my personal life is what will happen next, and the days I post it will vary, in which will lead up to the point as to why I will leave IF things don't end the way they are suppose to be. Thanks for "opening up". I personally appreciate that. You have people here who obviously care about you, so the ONLY way we could help you, was by you opening up. Listen, I've too dealt with a LOT of self-esteem issues over my lifetime growing up. I also had a father who was VERY eager to throw out insults and criticism, instead of the mental support and guidance needed. Needless to say, I HAVE gotten in physical confrontations with my own father. He actually filed a restraining order against me the first time I punched him back....BWL!!! Nevertheless, at some point in time......you NEED to become your " OWN MAN". Let's keep it REAL simple.........Know what makes you happy, and DO it.....regardless of what "others" might think. Say how you feel, and be who you are. If people don't like you for you, then you shouldn't be dealing with em' in the first place. Don't you get it? Be yourself, and whoever doesn't like it can suck it??? When you realize at later times that you were wrong .....sometimes.....about somethings.....admit it, lol. That's IT!!!!!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2014 23:04:57 GMT -5
Hi Bengal, it's Beast. I'm glad you cleared that up about the suicide/murder shit, because that's honestly what I was thinking you were talking about by the way you've been talking, LOL. I've been here pretty much every other day since though, and I've been reading this thread actively. I'm more of a ghost here now. I'm here, but I'm really not. I don't know, I guess I enjoy just watching instead of talking sometimes. I'm impressed by your new mentality and admitting you need to change the way you're taking on life. It's true what you said about yourself, although maybe a bit overdramatic? You say that you have missed once in a lifetime opportunities and you'll never have the same chances again. Well. If you say so it's probably true. But that doesn't mean you've ruined your whole life. I understand that you've fucked up. Let me guess. You failed college and lost scholarship money because of it? That's what happened to my brother last year. He had a full-ride to Missouri S&T and his story seems pretty identical to yours. He sat on his computer all day long at college and because of it, failed. He had an addiction problem just like you, except his addiction was on video games, not online chatting places like here. So now, my brother works at Jack in the Box full time. He's immature for his age, but he's starting to realize that he fucked up big time. Does he want to be working in Jack in the Box the rest of his life? Well. He's wasted 2+ years of his life now. And he's going to have to take out student loans and he's going to be in big debt now if/when he goes back to college. This is all because he was too immature and couldn't set himself a good equilibrium between work and play. I find it ironic that you come on here and state where you are in life and what's going on with you personally after I sent a PM to someone I cared about here who I believe is in a similar situation to you. He's just in denial about it. Believe it or not Bengal, a lot of people who post here are in a similar situation to you. I guess I'm referring moreso to the active posters here. You and Jancey have both taken leaves and stated why because you realized you weren't accomplishing what you wanted to in life. You realized you guys were spending too much time here, correct? Bengal, before I self deleted I had the SAME amount of posts as you, literally within 10, except I accumulated mine on a much longer time basis. You were addicted here. Beast......come back. Like I told Bengal....you are who you are. Do YOU, and come back. I want you here.
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Post by Divebitch on Feb 17, 2014 0:07:21 GMT -5
I don't like myself because I am not a very smart person. Through my whole years in school, I had poor grades and had to get help so many times just to get to the average level. I showed some good work ethic at times, and sometimes it never showed. I am the oldest sibling my family with one sister and brother whom are both in high school right now. Both are gonna have bright futures. My sister takes a lot of honor's classes and is a good above average student who also plays sports. She is very selfish at times, but will get over it eventually. My Brother has an even greater thing going. He is one of the smartest kids in his grade and was so smart he had to be pulled out of middle school because the classes were too easy for him. He has to work on his personality, but that can be fixed. Me on the other hand, I have been average at best my whole life. I have had to earn everything I have in life, while my siblings get it handed to them on a silver platter. My dad always was hard on me because I was the oldest and he wanted me to be a good example and I haven't. He told me I will have to earn everything in life because I don't have the brains to do it. He makes a lot of money for a military company, and he did pretty good in school at the time so I can't question him. My Mom was very good at school, even though she is unemployed right now. I didn't have that many friends growing up either, and that's because I've always made a fool out of myself at times. I have gotten in fights, been suspended for making death threats, been punched in the face, bullied because I was ugly at time, and was never loved by anyone. And because of it, I have trust issues with people, so when I met people that I never met before, I didn't trust anyone ever, and they didn't understand why and some people would want to help. And once you open you heart to someone, its over before you know it. At work I do get along with pretty much everybody, so its not an issue for me overall, but I'm there to work and do nothing more and not pursue anything beyond it. I have dug myself into a deep hole over life, and now I just realize that I dug myself too deep that no matter what I do, I will never be able to become a success. Uh, I spoke too much. Story time about my personal life is what will happen next, and the days I post it will vary, in which will lead up to the point as to why I will leave IF things don't end the way they are suppose to be. Last thing first...How are things supposed to end? First things next. You've got to stop saying and most of all thinking you're not a smart person. We might not know you that well, but I've seen/read enough to know that that is BS. It doesn't matter what you did in school when you were little or later. Nor what your siblings did. Although you're probably as bright as they are. Not gonna expound on the possible reasons you didn't excel in scholastically, you know better than anyone. But instead beat yourself up (following your father's lead?). Man, I could tell you stories. No matter how smart they even said I was (and yeah, easy for me to say, cuz I was academically ahead pre-K even) there were always endless 'but's - from my choice of friends to boyfriends to jobs to my clothes. Now that you mention 'ugly', my looks too. And I always felt inferior. When you're young you don't even sense you 'feel' inferior, much less why (parent?) just that you 'are'. You were probably loved more than you know or thought. But possibly didn't let yourself be, cuz as you say, you don't like yourself. And writing yourself off for any possibility of success for the same reason. Don't care to continue much here. But I am here should you care to PM me. Seems you've conquered half the battle, being self-aware. But the other half is often the hardest. Wish some things would really sink in though - like despite your demons, how well-liked and thought of you are. Hope some of that made some sense. Past my beddie-bye time. Beastified....what Eddie said.
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Post by Beastified on Feb 17, 2014 0:21:40 GMT -5
Hi Bengal, it's Beast. I'm glad you cleared that up about the suicide/murder shit, because that's honestly what I was thinking you were talking about by the way you've been talking, LOL. I've been here pretty much every other day since though, and I've been reading this thread actively. I'm more of a ghost here now. I'm here, but I'm really not. I don't know, I guess I enjoy just watching instead of talking sometimes. I'm impressed by your new mentality and admitting you need to change the way you're taking on life. It's true what you said about yourself, although maybe a bit overdramatic? You say that you have missed once in a lifetime opportunities and you'll never have the same chances again. Well. If you say so it's probably true. But that doesn't mean you've ruined your whole life. I understand that you've fucked up. Let me guess. You failed college and lost scholarship money because of it? That's what happened to my brother last year. He had a full-ride to Missouri S&T and his story seems pretty identical to yours. He sat on his computer all day long at college and because of it, failed. He had an addiction problem just like you, except his addiction was on video games, not online chatting places like here. So now, my brother works at Jack in the Box full time. He's immature for his age, but he's starting to realize that he fucked up big time. Does he want to be working in Jack in the Box the rest of his life? Well. He's wasted 2+ years of his life now. And he's going to have to take out student loans and he's going to be in big debt now if/when he goes back to college. This is all because he was too immature and couldn't set himself a good equilibrium between work and play. I find it ironic that you come on here and state where you are in life and what's going on with you personally after I sent a PM to someone I cared about here who I believe is in a similar situation to you. He's just in denial about it. Believe it or not Bengal, a lot of people who post here are in a similar situation to you. I guess I'm referring moreso to the active posters here. You and Jancey have both taken leaves and stated why because you realized you weren't accomplishing what you wanted to in life. You realized you guys were spending too much time here, correct? Bengal, before I self deleted I had the SAME amount of posts as you, literally within 10, except I accumulated mine on a much longer time basis. You were addicted here. Beast......come back. Like I told Bengal....you are who you are. Do YOU, and come back. I want you here.
I just don't know man. Right now just isn't the right time. I get the perception that there are bad feelings. Everytime my name is mentioned here in the shoutbox or such, it gets deleted. I do not know why.
Anyway, I do not want to make this thread about me because this thread is about Bengal and I've been talking about me too much as it is.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2014 0:40:00 GMT -5
Beast......come back. Like I told Bengal....you are who you are. Do YOU, and come back. I want you here.
I just don't know man. Right now just isn't the right time. I get the perception that there are bad feelings. Everytime my name is mentioned here in the shoutbox or such, it gets deleted. I do not know why.
Anyway, I do not want to make this thread about me because this thread is about Bengal and I've been talking about me too much as it is.
Yo man, when I saw you dipped out.....it bothered me!!! That's BS!!! Now you're here with a guest/ghost account??? BULL F'IN' shit!!! Get back here....do it NOW!!!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2014 0:44:20 GMT -5
@beast: You're still here even as a "guest", cause this place and people obviously mean something to you. Bring back your old account, or start a new one. However, don't let your feelings/impulses force you to leave again.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2014 0:49:11 GMT -5
@beast: You're still here even as a "guest", cause this place and people obviously mean something to you. Bring back your old account, or start a new one. However, don't let your feelings/impulses force you to leave again. You're wanted here. Many WILL agree, and if they too scared to speak up....fuck em'!!!! I'm always loud and proud about how I feel. Sometimes I'm wrong, sometimes I'm right. I got your back though, brother. I personally want you back.....so be it
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2014 9:58:02 GMT -5
hahaha....I cracks' me ups' sometimes.....ughgagaga
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2014 13:27:20 GMT -5
Honestly, if you feel like having an account here is too much of a distraction, just lay it down. Real life responsibilty should always come first. I too once had been addicted when nfl.com forum was up and running. I have since found my happy medium. It CAN be a big problem/distraction. In fact, I was almost happy to get a break from ff after it was done. Consumed too much of my time. Time is precious....Time flies....Time is money....can't turn back the hands of time. Use it wisely my friends, or life WILL pass you by. [looks at watch]oh, would you look at that....gotta go
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2014 13:38:44 GMT -5
@beast: You're still here even as a "guest", cause this place and people obviously mean something to you. Bring back your old account, or start a new one. However, don't let your feelings/impulses force you to leave again. You're wanted here. Many WILL agree, and if they too scared to speak up....fuck em'!!!! I'm always loud and proud about how I feel. Sometimes I'm wrong, sometimes I'm right. I got your back though, brother. I personally want you back.....so be it I've already said that if he left because he couldnt speak his mind the way he wanted to,then it was wrong. Last I seen there aint no censorship here. And if there is..then maybe Im in the wrong place. I agree with Eddie,beast...you dont need to run and hide from anything.
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