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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2014 21:00:09 GMT -5
Like I said before, I do have several reason, but for a main one its gonna be kind of stupid. And to be honest its embarrassing to me, but I will speak about it when the time comes.
But I think I need to share a piece of my life right now, and I will say more stuff later. I have had severe self esteem issues through my whole life. I don't like myself because I am not a very smart person. Through my whole years in school, I had poor grades and had to get help so many times just to get to the average level. I showed some good work ethic at times, and sometimes it never showed. I am the oldest sibling my family with one sister and brother whom are both in high school right now. Both are gonna have bright futures. My sister takes a lot of honor's classes and is a good above average student who also plays sports. She is very selfish at times, but will get over it eventually. My Brother has an even greater thing going. He is one of the smartest kids in his grade and was so smart he had to be pulled out of middle school because the classes were too easy for him. He has to work on his personality, but that can be fixed.
Me on the other hand, I have been average at best my whole life. I have had to earn everything I have in life, while my siblings get it handed to them on a silver platter. My dad always was hard on me because I was the oldest and he wanted me to be a good example and I haven't. He told me I will have to earn everything in life because I don't have the brains to do it. He makes a lot of money for a military company, and he did pretty good in school at the time so I can't question him. My Mom was very good at school, even though she is unemployed right now. I didn't have that many friends growing up either, and that's because I've always made a fool out of myself at times. I have gotten in fights, been suspended for making death threats, been punched in the face, bullied because I was ugly at time, and was never loved by anyone. And because of it, I have trust issues with people, so when I met people that I never met before, I didn't trust anyone ever, and they didn't understand why and some people would want to help. And once you open you heart to someone, its over before you know it.
At work I do get along with pretty much everybody, so its not an issue for me overall, but I'm there to work and do nothing more and not pursue anything beyond it. I have dug myself into a deep hole over life, and now I just realize that I dug myself too deep that no matter what I do, I will never be able to become a success.
Uh, I spoke too much. Story time about my personal life is what will happen next, and the days I post it will vary, in which will lead up to the point as to why I will leave IF things don't end the way they are suppose to be.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2014 21:05:08 GMT -5
Keep going. Tell your story.
After you do that, I suggest you don't delete your account, you just don't take on projects like pickem games. You can go on with life and still be a member here. Just check in if you want and say hi. I understand your concern for wasting (I prefer spending)time online. Moderation grasshopper, Moderation.
Craig
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Post by Beastified on Feb 16, 2014 21:10:21 GMT -5
Hi Bengal, it's Beast. I'm glad you cleared that up about the suicide/murder shit, because that's honestly what I was thinking you were talking about by the way you've been talking, LOL. I've been here pretty much every other day since though, and I've been reading this thread actively. I'm more of a ghost here now. I'm here, but I'm really not. I don't know, I guess I enjoy just watching instead of talking sometimes. I'm impressed by your new mentality and admitting you need to change the way you're taking on life. It's true what you said about yourself, although maybe a bit overdramatic? You say that you have missed once in a lifetime opportunities and you'll never have the same chances again. Well. If you say so it's probably true. But that doesn't mean you've ruined your whole life. I understand that you've fucked up. Let me guess. You failed college and lost scholarship money because of it? That's what happened to my brother last year. He had a full-ride to Missouri S&T and his story seems pretty identical to yours. He sat on his computer all day long at college and because of it, failed. He had an addiction problem just like you, except his addiction was on video games, not online chatting places like here. So now, my brother works at Jack in the Box full time. He's immature for his age, but he's starting to realize that he fucked up big time. Does he want to be working in Jack in the Box the rest of his life? Well. He's wasted 2+ years of his life now. And he's going to have to take out student loans and he's going to be in big debt now if/when he goes back to college. This is all because he was too immature and couldn't set himself a good equilibrium between work and play. I find it ironic that you come on here and state where you are in life and what's going on with you personally after I sent a PM to someone I cared about here who I believe is in a similar situation to you. He's just in denial about it. Believe it or not Bengal, a lot of people who post here are in a similar situation to you. I guess I'm referring moreso to the active posters here. You and Jancey have both taken leaves and stated why because you realized you weren't accomplishing what you wanted to in life. You realized you guys were spending too much time here, correct? Bengal, before I self deleted I had the SAME amount of posts as you, literally within 10, except I accumulated mine on a much longer time basis. You were addicted here.
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Post by plax on Feb 16, 2014 21:22:48 GMT -5
== "I find it ironic that you come on here and state where you are in life and what's going on with you personally after I sent a PM to someone I cared about here who I believe is in a similar situation to you. He's just in denial about it." ==
The problem with that is that the person who you believe is in the same situation took the hardest courses available level at a High School Level ANYWHERE with the International Baccalaureate Programme and succeeded with high marks. That person has also went on to attend one of the best schools in the nation in Rutgers University and still receiving high marks. Oh, and that was all while maintaining a steady job for most of the time. Denial, eh?
And just because people do not have to come out and state publicly that they know what their "priorities" are (or have to be) does not mean that they are not aware of what is important.
But that is all I will say. I wish not to talk to non-members much.
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Post by awesomeace on Feb 16, 2014 21:24:27 GMT -5
I spy with my little eye something a little beasty!!!! We've all had our internet addictions at one time or another... remember when I was outpacing everyone on the old forums?
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Post by awesomeace on Feb 16, 2014 21:25:56 GMT -5
== "I find it ironic that you come on here and state where you are in life and what's going on with you personally after I sent a PM to someone I cared about here who I believe is in a similar situation to you. He's just in denial about it." == The problem with that is that the person who you believe is in the same situation took the hardest courses available level at a High School Level ANYWHERE with the International Baccalaureate Programme and succeeded with high marks. That person has also went on to attend one of the best schools in the nation in Rutgers University and still receiving high marks. Oh, and that was all while maintaining a steady job for most of the time. Denial, eh? And just because people do not have to come out and state publicly that they know what their "priorities" are (or have to be) does not mean that they are not aware of what is important. But that is all I will say. I wish not to talk to non-members much. Oh look at mister hot shot here. Thinks he is so smart cuz he goes to a good school. bahumbug, I don't know what it feels like to get an 80 anymore
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Post by Juggs on Feb 16, 2014 21:44:04 GMT -5
I spy with my little eye something a little beasty!!!! We've all had our internet addictions at one time or another... remember when I was outpacing everyone on the old forums? High posting and addiction/dependence are just totally different. Over the past six months I post a ton on this forum b/c I'm in my high school senior year, finished with college apps. My life is slow right now. Every summer I simply get up and leave and isolate myself from the internet and all other technology because I have grown up with a need to appreciate nature. If anyone here feels like internet use is dominating other, much more important aspects of life, I HIGHLY encourage you to leave, for your own good. Don't come back if you feel like you shouldn't be here. Delete it from your bookmarks. No one is going to judge you or wish you would come back if you really need to leave. On the other hand, if you need this as an outlet for anything, by all means stick around. Balls in your court.
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Post by Beastified on Feb 16, 2014 22:07:47 GMT -5
Like I said before, I do have several reason, but for a main one its gonna be kind of stupid. And to be honest its embarrassing to me, but I will speak about it when the time comes. But I think I need to share a piece of my life right now, and I will say more stuff later. I have had severe self esteem issues through my whole life. I don't like myself because I am not a very smart person. Through my whole years in school, I had poor grades and had to get help so many times just to get to the average level. I showed some good work ethic at times, and sometimes it never showed. I am the oldest sibling my family with one sister and brother whom are both in high school right now. Both are gonna have bright futures. My sister takes a lot of honor's classes and is a good above average student who also plays sports. She is very selfish at times, but will get over it eventually. My Brother has an even greater thing going. He is one of the smartest kids in his grade and was so smart he had to be pulled out of middle school because the classes were too easy for him. He has to work on his personality, but that can be fixed. Me on the other hand, I have been average at best my whole life. I have had to earn everything I have in life, while my siblings get it handed to them on a silver platter. My dad always was hard on me because I was the oldest and he wanted me to be a good example and I haven't. He told me I will have to earn everything in life because I don't have the brains to do it. He makes a lot of money for a military company, and he did pretty good in school at the time so I can't question him. My Mom was very good at school, even though she is unemployed right now. I didn't have that many friends growing up either, and that's because I've always made a fool out of myself at times. I have gotten in fights, been suspended for making death threats, been punched in the face, bullied because I was ugly at time, and was never loved by anyone. And because of it, I have trust issues with people, so when I met people that I never met before, I didn't trust anyone ever, and they didn't understand why and some people would want to help. And once you open you heart to someone, its over before you know it. At work I do get along with pretty much everybody, so its not an issue for me overall, but I'm there to work and do nothing more and not pursue anything beyond it. I have dug myself into a deep hole over life, and now I just realize that I dug myself too deep that no matter what I do, I will never be able to become a success. Uh, I spoke too much. Story time about my personal life is what will happen next, and the days I post it will vary, in which will lead up to the point as to why I will leave IF things don't end the way they are suppose to be. Hi Bengal, it's Beast again.
Man, you're gonna make me emotional, dude. At first I was happy for you that you were hard on yourself but now you're just beating yourself up.
I'm going to use a line from Russell Wilson's father: "Why not you?" "Why not us? "Why not me?"
Cause I was thinking to myself around August of last year:
"Shit man. I spend way too much time on this forum TALKING about NFL prospects and college players when I COULD be one myself." "What the fuck am I doing sitting here letting my time pass me by?" I've been training since August. I started at 217 lbs and I'm down to 197 now. The thing is though, is I didn't even do much cardio during that time period and I lost TWENTY pounds by lifting weights and gaining muscle. So I didn't just lose 20lbs of fat. I lost way more than that because I've replaced it with muscle.
I'm 6"2, and 197lbs right now. My vertical is about 30" and I can probably run the 40 somewhere in the 4.7-4.9 range. I have 10 1"2 hands (bigger than 99% of players in the NFL). I know I can make it dude. The problem that's setting me back though is huge. It's the motivation and discipline to do it.
I'm a super super long ways away, and there's a good chance I'm going to give up, BUT if I make it to the NFL, I will be sending you a fat pay check. I promise you.
Your story about struggling financially resonates with me strongly, because I'm very poor myself and everything I've ever had in life I've had to work for as well.
I know it sounds like a kids' dream about making it to the NFL, I know. My main goal right now is to go to college and learn about business and then open up my own business not long after graduating. That's what I really, really want to do.
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Post by Jindred on Feb 16, 2014 22:11:08 GMT -5
@bengalmania2
I have to say you have a pretty pessimistic and negative view of life, and I am not judging you on that because I have been there and some days I still am there. I am not gonna try and talk you into staying because thats a choice you have to make for yourself. Like I said before you are always welcome here though!
What is your definition of success? If your definition of success is that you are going to be a rich genius with a giant house and a model for a wife then yeah you may have a hell of a time achieving that, but thats not the only definition of success in the world. Wanna now what my definition of a successful life is? My life is a success if I am happy as much as I possibly can be. I have spent so much time in my life being, depressed, angry and terrified that I finally came to the conclusion "This fucking sucks!" after coming to that conclusion I decided that my goal in life is to spend as much time as I possibly can being the exact opposite of those things. Do I have goals? Of course I do, but if I don't achieve them that doesn't make me a failure it just means I have to find something else to do with my short time here.
Also you call yourself dumb because you weren't good at school. Well that is one of my biggest pet peeves in this world. Being good at school doesn't make you a smart person, it just means you are good at school. I know people who were terrible at school, but who can play an instrument like no other or who can build a car or who can play a sport at a high level. There are different types of intelligence and book smarts is one of them. In fact some people who are book smart are morons in other facets of life. You are damn smart when it comes to football and it may not translate into other aspects of your life but its still an area that you are intelligent in and I will guarantee that there are others!
As far as self esteem goes yea I have issues with that too, I some days don't think I am worth a piece of shit, but I have decided that the part of me that thinks that can go fuck itself! I deserve better than treating myself like that, and so do you man..
If you need to leave here to feel better about yourself and to get your life going than so be it, but don't be so down on yourself. Some of us get ourselves into shitty spots in life but we never dig so deep that we can't come back to some form of happiness!
Sorry if you didn't want that kind of response, your story just hit a personal chord with me and I needed to say something.
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Post by Beastified on Feb 16, 2014 22:19:30 GMT -5
And by the way, the reason I self-deleted here is because a multitude of reasons:
1) Trolling. Several people in particular. Just was making it unenjoyable for me. 2) That incident in the religion forum was bullshit. I had an opinion shoved down my throat and I felt that my character was being assassinated for stating a controversial opinion that I didn't truly believe in. Not gonna put up with that BS. 3) I also realized I was spending a little too much time here, just like you.
and with that, I am now going back to ghost mode and will check in here periodically to see how things are going. It's kind of fun just watching.
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