Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
ARI – QB Kolb (8/24) and WR Fitzgerald (8/31)
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of football with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra two points isn't worth it. (PHI over ARI by 1)
This duo went “into the light” and lived to tell about it. Fitz resurrected. 9 receptions for 114yd and 1TD Libra (September 23 - October 22)
QBs - Weeden (10/14) and Gabbert (10/15)
A full week goes by before you realize you have been attending the wrong class. Although anyone could have made that mistake – Passing and Pissing both start with P. (BUF and IND D finally show up this week.)
BACK TO SCHOOL - Weeden 27/43 237yd 1TD and Gabbert 10/21 155yd 1TD. NEXT CLASS: The Importance of Math Statistics
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
CIN QB Dalton (10/29) vs WAS D Rob Jackson (11/3), Delon Gomes (11/17) and DeAngelo Hall (11/19)
You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up at your house "just to chat". Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom. (WAS over CIN)
Fortunately for CIN, Dalton eventually emerged from the Loo to hit 2TDs in the final minutes for the win.Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
TB Trio: Freeman (1/13), Martin (1/13) and V-Jax (1/14)
Seize the moment that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences. The opportunity will only call once and refuses to leave a message. (TB road win over DAL)
Who are we kidding? TB didn’t seize the moment. Gave away 3 turn-overs to DAL and couldn’t do anything with the 3 turn-overs by DAL. The trio recorded less than 200yds TOTAL.Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
RB Rice (1/22) vs RBs Woodhead (1/25) and Ridley (1/27)
You finally learn that you've always had the power to go home. However, upon arriving at your doorstep you discover your home has moved without leaving a forwarding address. (NE over BAL)
Apparent NE needs FOUR RBs to beat BAL. Woodhead/Ridley as a duo (80yds total) couldn’t outperform Ray Rice (150yds).Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Pettigrew (2/23) and Greg Olsen (3/11)
It is a good time to invest in some self-improvement this week. Or if that seems too hard, you can always look to improve your QB. (Big TE day.)
Welcome back to the conversation. Pettigrew found an "improved" QB (8 for 61yds) and Newton found Olsen (7 for 98yds)Aries (March 21 - April 19)
HOU JJ Watt (3/22) vs. DEN Peyton Manning (3/24l)
You think you smell love in the air. It’s called obsession. Find a way to ignore its persistent stench. The wind will soon be blowing from another direction. (HOU over DEN)
The Sweet Smell of Success - HOU D and JJ Watt (2.5 sacks). Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
QBs - Matt Ryan (5/17) and Matt Cassell (5/17)
Shock your family and friends by repeatedly admitting you’re wrong this week. You’ll have them so confused by your lack of denial that they will begin defending you—by admitting that you were right all along. (3TDs each)
Ryan/Cassell and company know there's no I in TEAM. They were “right all along.”Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
WRs - Greg Litte (5/30), Jordy Nelson (5/31), Santana Moss (6/1)
Some days are not worth getting out of bed. For you, today is that day. So, unplug the phone, burrow beneath the covers and wait it out ‘til tomorrow. If you have already left the oblivion of your home, well…. I guess I’m not telling you anything you don’t know. (Bench all these guys.)
Burrowing beneath the covers. Little 2/17yd and Moss 1/3yd. Sorry for you if you are starting Nelson tonight.Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
QBs - Schaub (6/25) and Vick (6/26)
What comes around goes around… and then comes back again. So, be careful where you fling that thing, (1 INT each)
Schaub was careful ( 4TD, 1INT). Vick was careless. (217yds, 0TDs, 2 fumbles)Leo (July 23 - August 22)
QBs - Tannehill (7/27) and Brady (8/3)
Just remember, everything doesn’t need to be so competitive. Sometimes, it’s not about whether you win or lose, it's about whether you end up in traction for six weeks—or not. (1 will win and 1 will lose—but neither will sustain an injury.)
It ain’t over til the fat lady sings. Tannehill and Brady ducked out before the encore..